Cezy!

Author: <span>Cezy!</span>

Embracing positive change

May 14, 2021
by Cezy!

As things start going slowly back to normal, I can’t help but wonder if I actually learned anything from 2020. I mean I know the lessons, I know what went wrong, but I feel like I was studying, like I was getting ready for an exam, and all I can think is will I pass, or will I fail?

And then I go and wonder about everyone else. Did we learn anything? Are you going back to our phones? Are we going back to been busy all the time? Did we learn what really matters? Will family and friends be our priorities? Did we learn to love ourselves and spread the love?

2020 was a weird year full of challenges and lessons but I also know how easy it is to get caught in the routine of life, of work, of been busy.

I write this from my point of view, from my own anxieties, from my personal questions. I am not going to lie, I am afraid that I will go back to what I was before, and I do not want to, I am afraid I will get caught up with routine, and seeing life passing me by.

I hope that I pass the exam, that all that I worked about by myself in 2020 during quarantine stays with me, I really hope that I don’t focus my attention on things that don’t really matter, I hope I do not go back on accepting less that what I deserve, I hope I don’t lose the love for myself, my dreams and my goals.

I also hope that I am not the only one afraid because if handle correctly fear can help us push forward, as it makes you fight and become courageous.

Let 2020 be the year of challenges and everything after that a better life, better choices, and better things to come, let’s not lose focus.

Read, get inspired, don’t let go of yourself, be you, and do not settle for less that you deserve.

Sincerely,
Someone who wants to embrace change, positive change.

Short Stories from my Imagination

Freedom

May 13, 2021
by Cezy!

Fabiana wanted to regain her freedom, she wanted to love herself the way she used too.

Fabiana was in the middle of the forest, she had been running for about 20 minutes until she suddenly stopped and fell to the ground and started crying. She was completely broken, shattered heart, she could not handle her loneliness anymore, her life was not the same, she felt incomplete, she had lost the game, she was dead in life, she was lost in the land of broken dreams.

There she was at 23 years old with her white nightgown full of blood and a knife on her hand, what was going on? In what moment did she go wrong? Fabiana cried and cried while she was watching the moon and then she turned her eyes toward her hands, dropped the knife and realized her hands were stained with blood, she gave a desperate cry and she knew there was no going back, what was done was done and she would have to face the consequences.

She did not want things to end like that, she just wanted to be loved and nothing else. She knew that when she got involved with him her life would turn upside down, that is why she ran away from him so many times, but he always managed to get close to her, for him it was just a game, and she did not have the slightest chance of winning.

Fabiana reached her limit, she could no longer be a shadow and live hidden from everyone, she wanted to be the one, to be in sight, so she made her decision, she was going to confront him. She waited for him in her apartment like every Thursday, the only difference was that this was the day she would speak her mind, she would change the rules of the game, she wanted to be in control, and feel valued. Everything started like something casual but after a year it was tough not to get mixed up with emotions, and she did not want to let go.

She was tired of lying, of being the other woman, she could not handle it anymore, she wanted everything, and she was going to take it, she was not going to be the only one suffering.

Robert arrived and things were going as usual until Fabiana said she could not handle it anymore, and that she wanted to be the only one, she was tired of sharing. He took a step back and like before he said that she knew that was not possible, that he would never leave his wife, and that she already knew that she was only a distraction from his real-life problems. Fabiana could not believe what she was hearing, so she just said, “after everything, and all these time I am still just your toy”, Robert just answered “and a very expensive one” and he started laughing, not taking the conversation seriously, but she only heard his laugh, his stupid laugh, and then she just lost it, and something took over her body, and her actions, she blacked out, and then just like that she was in the middle of the forest crying with blood on her hands.

In the distance you could hear the ambulance and the police. When the police finally found Fabiana she was laughing like a mad woman, the cops handcuffed her, and she was just saying “I’m free”.

Historias de mi Imaginacion

Libre soy

May 13, 2021
by Cezy!

Fabiana estaba buscando libertad, reecontrarse consigo misma. Ella no quería ser la misma de antes pero lo que sí quería era recuperar el amor que alguna vez tuvo por ella misma.

Fabiana estaba en la mitad del bosque, llevaba corriendo unos 20 minutos hasta que ya no pudo más, se derribo y comenzó a llorar. Tenía un nudo en el estómago, el corazón destrozado, ya no podía con tanta soledad, su vida ya no era la misma, no se sentía completa, había perdido el juego, ya no sentía nada, estaba viva sin estar viva, perdida en el abismo de sus pensamientos, de los sueños perdidos.

Ahí estaba a sus 23 años de edad con su camisón blanco lleno de sangre y un cuchillo en su mano, ¿qué estaba pasando? ¿en qué momento se equivocó? Fabiana lloraba y lloraba, veía la luna llena y luego vio sus manos, soltó el cuchillo y vio sus manos todas ensangrentadas, dio un grito desesperado y sabía que ya no había marcha atrás, él había recibido lo merecido pero ahora ella pagaría las consecuencias de sus malas decisiones.

Ella no quería que las cosas terminaran así, ella solo quería ser amada y nada más. Sabía que al momento de involucrarse con él su vida se pondría de cabeza, por eso le huyó, le dio la vuelta pero el encontraba la manera de acercarse, la acechaba, la buscaba, para él era sólo un juego, el típico del gato y el ratón, ella no tenía la más mínima oportunidad de ganar.

Fabiana llegó a su límite, ya no podía ser una sombra y vivir escondida entre dimes y diretes y fue así que decidió enfrentarlo. Lo espero en su apartamento como todos los jueves, solo que este jueves sería diferente, ella quería cambiar las reglas del juego, estaba cansada de sentir que no tenía el control, de sentirse usada. Todo había empezado como algo pasajero pero después de un año es difícil no involucrar sentimientos y el dejar ir es más complicado.

Ella ya se había cansado de mentir, de ser la otra, de ser pisoteada, de tener que convivir con la esposa, ya no podía más, quería todo o nada y no sería la única que sufriría.

Roberto llegó y todo iba como siempre hasta que Fabiana le dijo que ya no podía más, que lo quería solo para ella, que estaba harta de compartir y vivir escondida. Él se alejó, y le dijo como muchas otras veces que eso no pasaría, que no dejaría a su mujer, que ella sólo era una distracción de su realidad y nada más, a lo que ella contestó “después de todo este tiempo sigo siendo solo tú juguete”, Roberto le respondió “un juguete muy caro” y rio con una gran carcajada. Esa risa, esa maldita risa fue lo que ya no pudo soportar y fue ahí donde perdió todo conocimiento y cuando recobró conciencia ella ya estaba en medio del bosque llorando, ensangrentada y desesperada.

A lo lejos se escuchaba la ambulancia y la policia. Cuando al fin la encontraron Fabiana reía como una loca, los policías la esposaron y ella solo decía “Libre, libre soy”.

My thoughts

Online Dating

February 15, 2021
by Cezy!

Hello, and one more time welcome to my blog, I feel like talking about online dating, and let me tell you I still don’t get it.

So, as you ALL know a Pandemic strike, and we were forced to stay in our houses with little to no interaction with the outside world, which if you were/are single, made it a bit tough to meet new people or create new connections. Well, at least that was/is my case.

As I repeatedly say, I work on cruise ships, so many of my friendships are ship based, and me being more time and more time away from home has closed my interactions and inner circle, and with the pandemic, it closed it even more.

2020, I decided to use it as the year of inner healing and closing the door to the past, I had to work on myself and my mind, heal the open wounds.

2021, I decide is time to go “out” again and see what is out there, but then I am forced to think: “How am I going to meet new people?”. Here at home is not really that possible, we are still kind of in quarantine and going out to meet new people has never been my thing, believe it or not I am shy and mostly an introvert.

I like things to happen naturally, not to be forced or planned, but one more time here I am all by myself, which by the way I don’t mind, I like it, but I also would like to feel butterflies again.

So, I started taking to my best friend here at home, and I told her “I think I am going to try online dating” and her response was “that is for lonely people”, so I said “Well, I don’t see myself surrounded by candidates so. . .” After like, half an hour conversation on the subject I ended saying “I will try it”.

Now, let me tell that I once (maybe 2012 or 2013) opened a Tinder account, and I think I lasted like a day on it, and then removed my account, I just did not get it.

So back to the present, like end of December I opened an account on a dating site, and oh my, I am the worst. First, I swipe left more than I do right, so I am left with almost nothing.

I think I established conversation with 3 men, but I just stopped following up, because I just don’t get it. I think I might be old school or too picky, or I don’t know but I feel I need to establish a connection that a phone or computer can’t give me.

I still have my account, but I really don’t check it that much, I guess I still have it just to make myself think that at least I am trying or that some miracle will happen, and I will find someone through the app. I guess it all comes down to hope haha.

And don’t get me wrong, I think online dating is real, and connections are made, I have friends who have met their exes or soul mates through there but for me, I don’t know, I am still a bit skeptical. If there are any changes, I will talk about it here, and just keep you all updated.

Good Luck Everyone! 🙂

My thoughts

Confronting Ghosts from the Past.

January 19, 2021
by Cezy!

A week ago, I was watching an episode of “This is Us” (new episode, a bit of spoiler alert) and it was about Kate confronting Marc, not when she was young but older, in her present self. She realized she hadn’t had closure from that toxic relationship, and she wanted to get over it, and continue her life with her amazing husband, who really loves her and appreciates her as she is.

This episode made me think about my toxic “relationship”, and how I didn’t know how it had marked part of my life.

I thought for year that I was over it, and the whole drama it brought me was in the past, but when speaking to my therapist I realized that a lot of my “love” decisions were based on that experience from my past. I used to carry so much guilt, and I thought it was all on me, and that he had nothing to be blamed about, even though there was a 10-year gap between us, and I was kind of innocent.

It was my first “relationship”, even though he never saw it that way, I was a game, and even though I kind of knew it, I did not, it is weird, I know.

I compromised my self-esteem and my self-worth, it is like Kate mentions in that episode to Marc: “What you did to me, how you held my self-esteem in your hand, and then you decided to crush it, that damaged me Marc, for years.”

And it is not playing victim or whatsoever, is more realizing how she was played, or anyone that has been on a toxic relationship with someone who is “wiser” and knows how to fool people and work around their broken parts or insecurities for their own personal gain. So, yea, it is not playing victim but placing the real guilt on the person that deserves it, is in a way fighting back and regaining oneself.

That is what I did like 3 months ago, not confronted, but eliminated from all social media, even though we had not seen in years, maybe like 10 or 11, I still followed him in social media, until one day I asked myself “Why?”. It was not making sense anymore, why do I want to see all the lies he tells on Facebook or Insta, it finally stopped making sense.

I didn’t owe him anything, just all the tears, and stupid decisions and guilt, he is nothing to me, so I decided to finally say good-bye, on my own way.

As I keep saying on my posts, never compromise what makes you “You”, because at the end is your self-esteem and your self-worth that will pay the consequences. Be brave and love yourself.

I close this blog with Kate’s final words “I’m not broken, you are the one that is broken, you are the disease, and I am not caring it a moment longer, so, I give it back to you, good luck with it Marc.”

My thoughts

2020 Coming to an End.

December 30, 2020
by Cezy!

2020, just a few days left, and in total honesty, who is not counting the days? I find it interesting how changing the year on paper or documents makes us feel like we are resetting and starting again.

2021, we can see you, and we are excited to see you coming, just like a fresh start, a new beginning, new goals.

2020, I am not going to lie, you were a tough year but at the same time you were a year full of wonder and amazement.

Let us start with the bad and then I will end it with the good and the lessons learned.

So, the bad and obviously the worse and the theme of conversation everywhere: COVID, a horrible illness that took and still is taking the life of millions and changing the lives of thousands and thousands. A virus that made us stayed at home, lose our jobs permanently or temporarily, lose a family member or even a friend.

Many people learned about being lonely, about being out of their comfort zone, rise on divorce because of quarantine, psychologists were on the rise as well because we all lost it a little bit.

In my case, I stopped receiving my income from my job as cruises stopped worldwide, I had to go see a psychologist as I was forced to see me and realized I did not know myself.

I was not able to see my sister and her newborn when I wanted because of closed borders; I got Covid, and was so tired for 14 days, at the same time was sister was also sick while she was pregnant, scary times.

Now, even though we could make a whole book of the negative, I think, at least in my case, there was also some positive, and I am focusing on it.

2020 made me realize what I really wanted, forced me to stay put, to stop moving and face me in the mirror and realized that I needed healing and that I really did not know myself.

2020 made me spent more time with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my niece; I could not see my friends as often or at all but realized who are the true ones.

2020 made me realize that my people, my support team, friends, and family do not love me because of money or my success, but because of me, just me and who I am.

2020 taught me that I needed a break, that I needed to rest and reconnect with myself. I realized that I was allowing people in my life that did not deserved me and I allowed it, because there was emptiness in me, and I needed to fill it with DRAMA.

2020 made me stop and thin, and see what I really want, and who I am.

2020, I know we are harsh with you, but it happens when we are forced out of our bubbles. You were not easy, but you came with a lot of lessons.

I understand that some suffered more than others, that is why I do not speak for everyone, every human has their own path and their own perspective and feelings.

2020, the year humanity put their phones down, and opened their eyes.

Take the good, take the growth, I know there are days that it is not easy, but connect with yourself, love yourself and then spread your wings and show who you really are to others. Heal mentally and spiritually. 2020 we say good-bye, 2021 we see you coming.

To close this with a joke, please Dec. 31^st at 23:59, remember to shout “Jumanji”.

Thank you! And Blessings to all : )

My thoughts

Christmas around the corner

December 14, 2020
by Cezy!

Christmas around the Corner

Those who know me, know that I work on ships and know that right now, and to be more accurate since March, my world of work and lifestyle has been paralyzed.

I’m not going to write about this year’s life lessons because that’s material for my next blog, and this blog is about being grateful to be home in December during Christmas.

I understand that these dates are usually full of parties, and a great atmosphere with friends and family,but for obvious reasons this year will be different.

It is a month to be thankful for being alive, of thanking for being health and those of us who get sick will be a time to thankful for surviving the virus, it will be a time to thankful for our family and friends who understand that we cannot see each other as much as we would like.

2017 was the last time I was home for Christmas, as many know, my job often prevents me from being home for these dates and well now I’m home and I can’t see everyone I’d like to see but one has to adapt, even if it hurts a little.

The 24th and 25^th will be the days to celebrate with the people that our close to you, whether it is 2 people or 7, value what you have and think of a better future. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, but have other traditions this month, I believe the message is the same, count the blessings and be grateful.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to have more time to enjoy with my parents, my sister in law ,my niece and my brother, whom I have come to know a little bit more.

I’m sorry I can’t see my sister as often as I want and/or to be able to see my beautiful nieces and my sister’s husband, but trying to look on the bright side, the few times we’ve seen each other I’ve valued them quite a bit.

This month is not about material gifts, but about the gift of life, appreciating family and friends.

We were put on pause and then life put us to the test, so wherever you’re going to spend these festivities try to smile and be thankful for one more day.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Sending everyone a virtual hug.

Mis pensamientos

Navidad a la Vuelta de la Esquina

December 14, 2020
by Cezy!

Los que me conocen saben que trabajo en los barcos y saben que, en este momento y para ser más exactos desde marzo, mi mundo laboral y estilo de vida está paralizado.

No voy a escribir sobre el aprendizaje y lecciones de vida de este año porque eso es material para mi siguiente blog, este blog trata sobre el estar agradecida de estar en casa en diciembre, en Navidad.

Entiendo que estas fechas suelen estar llenas de posadas, ambiente de fiesta y convivencia con amigos y familiares, pero por obvias razones este año será diferente.

Será un diciembre de agradecer por estar vivo, de agradecer por tener salud y los que nos enfermamos será un tiempo de agradecer que sobrevivimos el virus, será un tiempo de agradecer por nuestra familia y los amigos que comprenden que no podemos vernos tanto como quisiéramos.

2017 fue la ultima vez que estuve en casa para pasar Navidad, como muchos saben, mi trabajo muchas veces me impide estar en casa para estas fechas y bueno ahora estoy en casa y no puedo ver a todos los que quisiera ver y ni modo uno se adapta, aunque duela un poco.

El 24 y 25 serán los días para festejar con tú gente más cercana, ya sean 2 personas o 7, valorar lo que se tiene y pensar en un mejor futuro.

Agradezco tener la oportunidad por convivir más tiempo con mis papás, mi cuñada, mi sobrina y mi hermano, al cual he llegado a conocer un poco más.

Lamento no poder ver a mi hermana tan seguido como quisiera y poder ver a mis hermosas sobrinas y al esposo de mi hermana, pero viendo el lado positivo, las pocas veces que nos hemos visto las he valorado bastante.

Este año no es sobre los regalos materiales, pero sobre el regalo de la vida, el apreciar a la familia y amigos.

Nos pusieron pausa y luego la vida nos puso a prueba, así que donde sea que vayan a pasar estas festividades traten de sonreír y agradecer por un día más.

Feliz Navidad y Felices Fiestas.

Un abrazo virtual.

My thoughts

Mental Health

November 14, 2020
by Cezy!

Hello Beautiful People, it has been a long time since I wrote. I must admit that I was not feeling myself, and it was hard to do the things that I like and enjoy. I was not feeling motivated, and sitting around doing nothing made me want to keep doing nothing. I found that I was not enjoying myself, and was on a bad mood, or let’s say on a whatever mood, so after a few days maybe couple weeks I decided it was time to call my psychologist again.

Let’s start by saying that going to a psychologist does not mean that something terrible is going on with you, on the contrary I see it as a means to get better, to set your mind straight and clear, and be able to talk about your deepest fears without judgement. For me is a safe place, a place were I can talk, and I will be ask the right questions to my wandering mind, and that way I can find my way back.

The first time I went to see a psychologist was probably when I was 22 or 23 years old, and if you have read my previous blog about “The Wolf”, well he was the main reason I went to seek help. I remember I told only 2 people, did not mention it to my family and I only went once. I was seeking for help, I wanted to set my mind on the right path, but I had the wrong idea about what going to see a therapist meant, so I never went back, until 2018.

2017 was a tough year for me mentally, I think that is the year my mind was like “You know what, I can’t handle it anymore, we need help”. It was the year I had to face all my doubts, my insecurities, my fears, my losses. That year hit me hard, but guess what, I still said to myself that I was fine.

By mid 2018, I realized I needed to stop running, and I needed to fix myself, I needed to find help from someone who understands the mind, so I booked my appointment with my amazing therapist.

I started feeling relieved, energized, started exercising, and found motivation to be better, I think I went to 6 sessions and then I had to stop because I went back to work. I went back with a different mind set and everyone noticed, people said I seem happier, and had lost weight, so therapy did me good.

I went back one more time in 2018 and my therapist said, well you are alright so if you feel you need me again just give me a call.

And know we are in 2020, and I did call her back, I needed to that motivation again, and work another part of me, the part I blocked long time ago, but is basically part of my major problem, love, love to myself. So, here I am 2020 November 13th, and working out my past, so I can accept my present and find my future.

Staying at home since March (because of Covid) has definitely made me face myself, and it was scary. Used to working non-stop, 2 month vacation, then going back to work, then 2 month vacation, going back to work, and then Pandemic, so the cycle was broken and life made me ask me “What is next? Who am I without my job?” I was/am facing myself, my pure self, and I realize I had neglected me, and had put myself before others, and I am learning to accept me, to lose my fears, heal my wounds, and most important find myself.

If you ever feel lost, do not be afraid to reach out to a therapist, psychologist, if you can do it, I do recommend it. The mind also needs healing, it is like going to the doctor when something aches or hurts.

I know that this year, a lot of people have seek help from therapists because of Covid, it definitely has been a strange year, but it has also brought us to face each other, to face our reality, and adapt to survive.

Thank you all for reading! Wish you the best!

My thoughts

A Running Mind

September 16, 2020
by Cezy!

Hello again my dear readers, so last week I did not write anything, I thought I would because I went for a trip, saw the beach and thought I might be inspired but it was totally the opposite my mind went just blank, which I think it was good, had nothing to think about, like my future, my new dreams, work, friendships, love, nothing, just enjoying.

But, I am back and my mind is starting to run wild again, and it is telling me that I need to make a decision about my life and it kind of worries me, a fear to face my dreams and hopes, and the direction I want to take my life to.

I have also been thinking about friendships and ships, I have been away for so long that I come to realize that even though I still have some connection with a few friends, I lost connection with others and not sure how to find my way back.

On ships you always have company, there is no place were you can say there is no people, there is always someone around, and if you don’t make a connection is just because you do not want to.

I do make some efforts to reach out to people, but I guess they are all so used that I am not around that they wait for me to reach out, and it worries me.

Since I have been home I think only 2 people have actually showed concerned for me about not having a job at the moment, about how I feel to be back at home, and if I am going back.

I don’t blame any of them, I have just been away for so long that connections are lost, I have missed special moments, key moments in my friends life but then I ask myself “Does anyone wonder how I feel?”

Maybe is just part of growing up, everyone has their own problems now, their own families, their own support group, and me, well I am adjusting to this life on land, which not sure if it will be temporary or definitive, I need to make up my mind, face my fears and see what I truly want.

Well, one more time for whoever read me thank you! Wishing you all the best and remember STAY HEALTHY! : )