Rising above oneself

Today is not a good day for me, well emotionally speaking, otherwise I am great and grateful, I seriously can’t complain about my life, but I feel on a personal level I still need to do more, accomplish more.

I am 36 years old and I am not ashamed of my age I have lived a good life, with it’s ups and downs and everything but life (like most of us at the moment) is forcing me to face my fears: Am I capable of doing something else besides ships that makes me happy? Will I be happy with my salary outside ships?

I know I am on a temporary break because of Covid but, what will happen next? Live the moment, live the present, sometimes is tough, at least for me, at least today.

I think in a way I have been handling these times we are living in quite good, but today is a tough day.

I do have plans, I do have dreams, but I guess in a way I have been “busy” to pursue them.

So, here I am today facing my fear of making my dreams come true because of fear of failure, because it was easier the other way, because I am been forced out of my comfort zone. I really must make an effort.

On one of my morning walks, I saw a plant growing through the asphalt, even though there was a strong thick layer above it, the plant manage to break through, a small “not so strong” plant, it found it’s way to flourish and show itself it can still grow.

Happy days everyone, face your fears and overcome them. I heard once instead of thinking “What is the worst it could happen?” why not think “What is the best that could happen?”.

Why Cruise Ships

This is a question that I get a lot, and I believe every crew member gets it as well. I have been working almost 11 years in this industry and I have come up with 3 reasons:

1. Running away, could be from a person, issues, parents, family, you name it.
2. Money, it is kind of an easy way to earn it.
3. Travel the World

For me, it was all the options but mostly Number 1, I was running away from home, bad choices, and had to make new experiences, and had to get out of the toxic cycle I had fallen into.

Here I will tell you part of my story.

It is funny how destiny works, and how when choosing one path you are already forging your future, and that is what happened to me, and how it all lead me to go and join my destiny: Cruise Ships.

When I was 21 – 22 years old I had to start working on the field that had to do with my career, you know to get experience before you graduate, we call it Professional Practices, and you have to put certain hours in to pass and be credited by the University. I chose a place and with my choosing the path to my future was unfolding. I had a few dreams, or things that I wanted to accomplish on the field I wanted to work, but although I met amazing people, I also met The Wolf! And yes that is how I am going to refer to this person, and if you read my previous blog that person was kind of mention there already.

At the beginning of my story with “The Wolf” everything was ok, it was just friendship, but after much insisting, I fell in the trap that was leading me to go away from home. Part of this drama was happening while I was in University, but I managed to get away for a bit and I had put my hours in, and then I graduated for University and my life went back to normal.

I graduated from Uni, and then Job Hunt begins, I went to work on a Morning Show, but that was not enough to cover my bills so I partnered with a friend (well at least at that time she was), and we had our own TV program, which we edited and got all the content, found publicity and paid our space on a local TV Channel. It was going ok, not the best but it was something and I loved it.

My friend and I started having small issues, like we were putting more money in than what we were getting back, so (and here is the first time Cruise Ships appeared in my life), my best friend told me how she had a friend who worked for a Cruise Ship company and how she was making money, and not really spent much of it, she mentioned we could maybe apply, go for one contract, save money and get back into whatever I wanted to do.

I mentioned this to my business partner and she got kind of upset, as she really believed in her project but I was also been pressured at home to find something else, something that would bring real money in. So, I said “You know, I could save money and see what happens”. Still she was not happy, and we parted ways. Do not know where she is now or what she is doing.

Oh,well! I applied for the Cruise Ship company, and I guess it was still not my time as nobody replied, and I did not insist. I was working on a radio Morning Show, and I was searching for something else.

And guess what happened? Yep, The Wolf appeared and offered me a job, and why not? I accepted it, what could go wrong, right? Ha.

Any who, things happened, drama unfolded, parents found out, big drama at home, no communication with outside world, and then Cruise Ships came back to mind.

I went to my mum and I said that my best friend, a while ago had mentioned to be about  Cruise Ships, and maybe I could apply again, I could go, travel, see the word, save money, get away from my toxic cycle and then come back home, as I really needed to get away from everyone and everything.

My mom thought it was a great idea, so I applied again and said” let’s see what happens, it is better than nothing”, and guess what 3 weeks after applying I was on my way to join my first ship, my amazing first contract, where I met Prince Charming (next blog will be about that).

So, yeah, I had to run away, my life at home was a bit messed up, before the drama with my parents I was crying almost everyday, I had made bad choices and did not like who I was becoming but at the same time I could not stop, it was just crazy. I am grateful for my mom as she forced me to move on, to change and be a better person or at least try.

I cannot deny that I was affected by al of that, and I never realized about it until like 2 years ago, I guess I just bottled everything up and made myself think that everything was ok when it really was not.

I am also grateful for my friend that recommended me the job, she never applied by the way, but she guided me to what was going to be a great job, in which I have met amazing and incredible people, and places.

Now before I finish, be careful who you give your heart to, if you feel in any way that you are compromising your values, your real self and have to change in a toxic way to be with someone DO NOT STAY”, and yes I know it is easier said then done, sometimes it takes to hit rock bottom before deciding to go away.

So, that is my story, in a  short version, I did not put a lot of the details, but maybe one day I will speak freely of what went on.

Thank you all, and LOVE YOURSELF ALWAYS! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! : )

Finding myself

I was about to publish about my bad experiences in the past with love, and how I have messed up, and how I have nobody to blame but myself for my bad choices, and how now after going to therapy 2 years ago I can value myself more and bla bla bla.

So, as I was doing this I received a really nice message, and made me delete the other post and made me want to write about how every experience makes you wiser and stronger and not all is lost, sometimes great friendships come from great dramas.

I must confess, that I suffered from a lot of insecurities, I had always been the girl that wanted to find love but was always afraid to do something, to even show a bit of interest was not even part of my plan, and when someone showed interest I was not interested.

Then my inexperience lead me to a wolf and then to a prince charming, both of them caused me a lot of damage. There was a time I did not blame the wolf, and blamed myself, and carried a lot of guilt but later I realized I was young and stupid, and the wolf had some blame as well.

After the Wolf I met Prince Charming, and he is the one I blamed for a long time for all the trust issues that came after him, he was the one that got away, the one that made me feel like I was the only one, and then broke my heart, and I never saw love the same way but to be honest, I was already carrying too much, and I did not notice, and carried my guilt with me for a very long time.

I know we all have baggage’s, but I never admitted it, I always thought I was doing fine, until one day, not long ago, I realized I was not, rock bottom.

I had to built myself again, do a reality check, see who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be and ask myself who I was.

It is true, and there is a lot of stuff around about this subject “You have to love yourself in order to give love.” You really need to check your self-esteem, know your worth, be with someone who fights for you the same way you will, do not let it be one sided, it has to be both ways.

Never compromise your self worth, if you allow to be treated differently or in a way you know deep inside it shouldn’t be, and you let it slide, your self-esteem will be damage and hurt, do not betray yourself, do not alienate yourself, BE TRUE TO YOU.

One day my great love will come and if it doesn’t, oh well, it is what it is, and I am OK with that.