Broken…and working on it

Back on the writing. I feel my mind is saturated with ideas and they just need to come out, I need to express myself and I am not ashamed to leave a piece of me on this blog. If I write about something it is because I am ready to share my story, my pain, the wins, the wisdom gained, not sure if anyone cares, but here is a piece of me again. Hope you enjoy.

As the title says “broken”, yes, I am still a little bit broken, my wounds are not totally healed and before anyone judges me, I just want to say that I am working on myself, I do not harm anyone, and yes, at age 37 I still have issues to resolve. As mentioned before the good thing is I don’t do any harm to anyone, the issues are on my mind, and I am working on them.

I want to say that everyone has a past and not everyone has a perfect past with perfect decisions. We all go through stages and make mistakes, and hopefully if everything goes right, we learn from them.

Learn from them, yes, that is where the difference relays on. The people who learn and grow and people who live the same way everyday, repeating mistakes, complaining, and not making changes, making oneself a victim. I understand, sometimes it is just so easy to blame our life, and our circumstances on others, I know I have done it, but the truth is we are the one’s that decide and have to look for a way out, a way to be better and be at peace.

I understand that some have it easier than others, and sometimes their circumstances make them see or think that there is no way out but there is always a choice. I am not going deep into circumstances and situations as I am deviating a bit from what I am trying to write about.

December 2021 and I realize my anxiety, my power of trusting and letting things be is tough for me, makes my stomach hurt, sometimes I think is auto sabotage, and can’t get used to being happy, I feel I always have to find something, but for what?

So, yes, I am back with my therapist because I want to be better, I want to learn on how to deal with my own thoughts. I know it has to do with fear and not having control. I guess I am an overthinker, I am just afraid to fall and that there is no one there to catch me.

I do not like to feel vulnerable and exposed, not sure if I could handle another heartbreak.

I know, the future is not set on stone, and we must take risks, if not then why are we even here, right? One thing I do know is that I deserve to be happy, and I am right now, and I don’t want to lose that.

Online Dating

Hello, and one more time welcome to my blog, I feel like talking about online dating, and let me tell you I still don’t get it.

So, as you ALL know a Pandemic strike, and we were forced to stay in our houses with little to no interaction with the outside world, which if you were/are single, made it a bit tough to meet new people or create new connections. Well, at least that was/is my case.

As I repeatedly say, I work on cruise ships, so many of my friendships are ship based, and me being more time and more time away from home has closed my interactions and inner circle, and with the pandemic, it closed it even more.

2020, I decided to use it as the year of inner healing and closing the door to the past, I had to work on myself and my mind, heal the open wounds.

2021, I decide is time to go “out” again and see what is out there, but then I am forced to think: “How am I going to meet new people?”. Here at home is not really that possible, we are still kind of in quarantine and going out to meet new people has never been my thing, believe it or not I am shy and mostly an introvert.

I like things to happen naturally, not to be forced or planned, but one more time here I am all by myself, which by the way I don’t mind, I like it, but I also would like to feel butterflies again.

So, I started taking to my best friend here at home, and I told her “I think I am going to try online dating” and her response was “that is for lonely people”, so I said “Well, I don’t see myself surrounded by candidates so. . .” After like, half an hour conversation on the subject I ended saying “I will try it”.

Now, let me tell that I once (maybe 2012 or 2013) opened a Tinder account, and I think I lasted like a day on it, and then removed my account, I just did not get it.

So back to the present, like end of December I opened an account on a dating site, and oh my, I am the worst. First, I swipe left more than I do right, so I am left with almost nothing.

I think I established conversation with 3 men, but I just stopped following up, because I just don’t get it. I think I might be old school or too picky, or I don’t know but I feel I need to establish a connection that a phone or computer can’t give me.

I still have my account, but I really don’t check it that much, I guess I still have it just to make myself think that at least I am trying or that some miracle will happen, and I will find someone through the app. I guess it all comes down to hope haha.

And don’t get me wrong, I think online dating is real, and connections are made, I have friends who have met their exes or soul mates through there but for me, I don’t know, I am still a bit skeptical. If there are any changes, I will talk about it here, and just keep you all updated.

Good Luck Everyone! 🙂

2020 Coming to an End.

2020, just a few days left, and in total honesty, who is not counting the days? I find it interesting how changing the year on paper or documents makes us feel like we are resetting and starting again.

2021, we can see you, and we are excited to see you coming, just like a fresh start, a new beginning, new goals.

2020, I am not going to lie, you were a tough year but at the same time you were a year full of wonder and amazement.

Let us start with the bad and then I will end it with the good and the lessons learned.

So, the bad and obviously the worse and the theme of conversation everywhere: COVID, a horrible illness that took and still is taking the life of millions and changing the lives of thousands and thousands. A virus that made us stayed at home, lose our jobs permanently or temporarily, lose a family member or even a friend.

Many people learned about being lonely, about being out of their comfort zone, rise on divorce because of quarantine, psychologists were on the rise as well because we all lost it a little bit.

In my case, I stopped receiving my income from my job as cruises stopped worldwide, I had to go see a psychologist as I was forced to see me and realized I did not know myself.

I was not able to see my sister and her newborn when I wanted because of closed borders; I got Covid, and was so tired for 14 days, at the same time was sister was also sick while she was pregnant, scary times.

Now, even though we could make a whole book of the negative, I think, at least in my case, there was also some positive, and I am focusing on it.

2020 made me realize what I really wanted, forced me to stay put, to stop moving and face me in the mirror and realized that I needed healing and that I really did not know myself.

2020 made me spent more time with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my niece; I could not see my friends as often or at all but realized who are the true ones.

2020 made me realize that my people, my support team, friends, and family do not love me because of money or my success, but because of me, just me and who I am.

2020 taught me that I needed a break, that I needed to rest and reconnect with myself. I realized that I was allowing people in my life that did not deserved me and I allowed it, because there was emptiness in me, and I needed to fill it with DRAMA.

2020 made me stop and thin, and see what I really want, and who I am.

2020, I know we are harsh with you, but it happens when we are forced out of our bubbles. You were not easy, but you came with a lot of lessons.

I understand that some suffered more than others, that is why I do not speak for everyone, every human has their own path and their own perspective and feelings.

2020, the year humanity put their phones down, and opened their eyes.

Take the good, take the growth, I know there are days that it is not easy, but connect with yourself, love yourself and then spread your wings and show who you really are to others. Heal mentally and spiritually. 2020 we say good-bye, 2021 we see you coming.

To close this with a joke, please Dec. 31^st at 23:59, remember to shout “Jumanji”.

Thank you! And Blessings to all : )

Christmas around the corner

Christmas around the Corner

Those who know me, know that I work on ships and know that right now, and to be more accurate since  March, my world of work and lifestyle has been paralyzed.

I’m not going to write about this year’s life lessons because that’s material for my next blog, and this blog is about being grateful to be home in December during Christmas.

I understand that these dates are usually full of parties, and a great atmosphere with friends and family,but for obvious reasons this year will be different.

It is a month to be thankful for being alive, of thanking for being health and those of us who get sick will be a time to thankful for surviving the virus, it will be a time to thankful for our family and friends who understand that we cannot see each other as much as we would like.

2017 was the last time I was home for Christmas, as many know, my job often prevents me from being home for these dates and well now I’m home and I can’t see everyone I’d like to see but one has to adapt,  even if it hurts a little.

The 24th and 25^th will be the days to celebrate with the people that our close to you, whether it is 2 people or 7, value what  you have  and think of a better future. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, but have other traditions this month, I believe the message is the same, count the blessings and be grateful.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to have more time to enjoy with my parents, my sister in law ,my niece and my brother, whom I have come to know a little bit more.

I’m sorry I can’t see my sister as often as I want and/or to be able to see my beautiful nieces and my sister’s husband, but trying to look on the bright side, the few times we’ve seen each other I’ve valued them quite a bit.

This month is not about material gifts, but about the gift of life, appreciating family and friends.

We were put on pause and then life put us to the test, so wherever you’re going to spend these festivities try to smile and be thankful for one more day.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Sending everyone a virtual hug.

Mental Health

Hello Beautiful People, it has been a long time since I wrote. I must admit that I was not feeling myself, and it was hard to do the things that I like and enjoy. I was not feeling motivated, and sitting around doing nothing made me want to keep doing nothing. I found that I was not enjoying myself, and was on a bad mood, or let’s say on a whatever mood, so after a few days maybe couple weeks I decided it was time to call my psychologist again.

Let’s start by saying that going to a psychologist does not mean that something terrible is going on with you, on the contrary I see it as a means to get better, to set your mind straight and clear, and be able to talk about your deepest fears without judgement. For me is a safe place, a place were I can talk, and I will be ask the right questions to my wandering mind, and that way I can find my way back.

The first time I went to see a psychologist was probably when I was 22 or 23 years old, and if you have read my previous blog about “The Wolf”, well he was the main reason I went to seek help. I remember I told only 2 people, did not mention it to my family and I only went once. I was seeking for help, I wanted to set my mind on the right path, but I had the wrong idea about what going to see a therapist meant, so I never went back, until 2018.

2017 was a tough year for me mentally, I think that is the year my mind was like “You know what, I can’t handle it anymore, we need help”. It was the year I had to face all my doubts, my insecurities, my fears, my losses. That year hit me hard, but guess what, I still said to myself that I was fine.

By mid 2018, I realized I needed to stop running, and I needed to fix myself, I needed to find help from someone who understands the mind, so I booked my appointment with my amazing therapist.

I started feeling relieved, energized, started exercising, and found motivation to be better, I think I went to 6 sessions and then I had to stop because I went back to work. I went back with a different mind set and everyone noticed, people said I seem happier, and had lost weight, so therapy did me good.

I went back one more time in 2018 and my therapist said, well you are alright so if you feel you need me again just give me a call.

And know we are in 2020, and I did call her back, I needed to that motivation again, and work another part of me, the part I blocked long time ago, but is basically part of my major problem, love, love to myself. So, here I am 2020 November 13th, and working out my past, so I can accept my present and find my future.

Staying at home since March (because of Covid) has definitely made me face myself, and it was scary. Used to working non-stop, 2 month vacation, then going back to work, then 2 month vacation, going back to work, and then Pandemic, so the cycle was broken and life made me ask me “What is next? Who am I without my job?” I was/am facing myself, my pure self, and I realize I had neglected me, and had put myself before others, and I am learning to accept me, to lose my fears, heal my wounds, and most important find myself.

If you ever feel lost, do not be afraid to reach out to a therapist, psychologist, if you can do it, I do recommend it. The mind also needs healing, it is like going to the doctor when something aches or hurts.

I know that this year, a lot of people have seek help from therapists because of Covid, it definitely has been a strange year, but it has also brought us to face each other, to face our reality, and adapt to survive.

Thank you all for reading! Wish you the best!