Happiness, gratefulness, and fear, 3 words that at this point in my life go together. I don’t know if this happens to other people, but I do know that this is a feeling I am carrying with me.

Happiness and gratefulness, they are with me because after so long I feel I am where I always wanted to be. I finally feel at home, and not necessarily because of a place, city or town but because of the way I am living my life. It does feel like a dream, and because it feels like a dream it does not mean it is easy, it for sure has its challenges but it does bring me peace.

For too long I lived a life that did not have anything permanent, in a place that every 4 months or so I had to prove to another manager my worth as a manager, and my discipline, I had to be on alert all the time, checking on guests, checking on my staff, checking on my boss, checking with the office, and at the same time trying to live a life that brought me joy.

It is difficult to balance work with pleasure, especially at sea, and also depending on the boss that you have. Some understand that we as crew members need to live a life, and disconnect at least for 2 hours, but others, they do not, they want you to be on top of the game 24/7, and others sometimes blame you for their mistakes, but I guess this last part could be anywhere.

Depending on the management, sometimes working on a ship is very demanding, you have to supervise a lot of things, especially if you work with one of the best companies at sea, and if you have some demanding guests that want answers ASAP, and some of them I must say do not understand we are at sea and some resources are not available like if we were at land.

I remember this day in which we were meant to have a port day, so the activities planned for that particular day were for a day on land, unfortunately and as sometimes happens the weather did not allow us to dock, so we got the dreadful phone call at 6 am, letting us know it is a day at sea, we have to get ready and plan the whole day again up to 6 pm and then as well change schedules and call or try to find the team to let them know. So, while planning I had to change a movie to the Theatre instead of having it in the secondary lounge, and I also had to change the movie to a more popular one, as being a day at sea and bad weather outside more people would be at the inside.

Then the dect phone starts ringing, and I have an upset guest, actually 3, because they did not get the new information, which was on their phone, and in the new papers, plus announcements, etcetera, they were upset because they did not want to see the new movie, and they for sure did not want to move to the theatre. I took a deep breath and listened to the guests. I understand there is a lot of frustration on days like that because you are travelling, you paid a lot of money and because of the weather, we missed the port, but either way, some guests direct their frustration towards other things or other people, instead of focusing on the real problem.

I spoke to the guests and explained that at this moment in time it was impossible to play the movie at the secondary lounge as we were having game shows and bingo in that place, and as the day is a day at sea now, we had to put more activities were more people participate and are entertained, and we also have to get a bigger venue for the movie because more guests will attend.

Either way, I was there for at least 40 minutes listening to the same thing, even though I promised I will play the movie they wanted on the next day or whatever day they wanted, but for real, it was not possible at that moment in time. I just remember thinking, “what is it that I am doing here?, Why am I here? Are we really having a 40 minute conversation about a movie that by this time might be on Netflix?”. I think that was the first time I ever really questioned my career at sea, my position, my job, my whole life. I thought about all the choices I had made that took me to that exact moment in time, in which I had to apologize and listened to those angry guests about a movie, a movie that was not even new, a conversation that just went in circles. So, that day, I decided it was enough, I was not up for it anymore, I had lost the joy for my job, my position.

I am not blaming that on them, but that was 100% the last straw, the day I said to myself I need a change, the day I realized I was not the same person I was when I started with that job, the same woman that was going to tolerate things. I must say, some people did influence on my decision, those who are or think they are in power, and think they are right, those people that do not like people to be happy, so I just knew I had to get away.

Don’t think my whole cruise experience was horrible, as it was not, it was actually amazing, but what I am trying to say with all of the above is that change was needed.

At this point of my life, I feel happy, I feel grateful but also accompanied of fear, of fear of losing it all. I guess those feelings go together, the toxic trait would be if I felt the fear more than the other emotions which I do not.

So, I am grateful to the Universe, to God, to my family, to the cruise industry for helping me get to where I needed to be. For so long I was lost and right now I think I have found my path.

Later on, when I have more time, as I started writing this last week, I will write about my experiences at sea, obviously from my point of view, as everyone sees the industry differently.