I think it is time to talk about the time my heart was really broken, the time I was or at least I thought I was really in love and was willing to give it all. It took me some years to get over him and no, I am not going to lie, sometimes I still wonder if I could have done something different.

I used to see on romantic movies or read on books about a broken heart, on how characters would experience a great emptiness or felt like they had a big hole in their stomach, they felt like disappearing, and they cried and cried on their own. I used to think it was a bit much but then he came, and he left, and I got all the symptoms, and yes, I realized they were 100% real.

I used to blame myself on what happened, I used to think I was not smart enough to keep him by my side, and that I was not worthy of him, but with time and healing I came to realize that I just wasn’t the one for him, and no matter what he was still going to leave as he had other goals, and other dreams.

I kept replaying in my mind all the happy moments and of course the moment he changed, the moment he backed away but he did not end things, he just pushed back, he never gave me a reason of why, he just changed and I guess that is why it was so hard for me to let go, oh my! So freaking hard.

Let’s have in mind that my first “love” experience was that guy at my hometown that did not treat me right and I accepted things that went against my values, and then after him comes this great man who treats me right, makes me laugh, worries about me and makes me feel special, so yeah, I was crazy in love.

This story goes back to 2008, on my first ever contract onboard a cruise ship, he was also new hire. At first when I met him I didn’t really like him but then I don’t know something changed, and then something happened and I was so happy, I felt like I was flying.

Our thing only lasted 2 months, and I can understand people that have never experience cruise ships as a crew member could think that only 2 months is not enough to feel what I felt, the truth is that time on ships flows different. Onboard you share so much time together that it creates incredible bonds, quick and true. I mean, 2 of my greatest friends of all come from cruise ships, and I have other friends that even as time goes by, if we meet again is like time has not passed at all, it is weird but absolutely amazing.

2 months of been together and a few years to get over him. We obviously don’t have contact anymore, and I understand I became this can’t let go type of person, but I had this idea that I had to fight for my true love, which of course, now looking back he was not.

I think our last conversation was when he wrote to me saying that he had found someone else, and he was happy. He was honest and I was grateful for that but at the same time I was devastated.

I don’t think I have ever felt the way I did with him, but then after him I put up a wall, I became a bit more cautious, and kind off stopped believing that there was someone out there for me, I guess it was easier than to face the truth.

As 2020 was the year of staying at home, slow down the pace, work on myself and my mind and self-care, I can say I know what I deserve, but not going to lie, I am still a bit afraid of loving with all my heart as the way I felt was too strong and I don’t want to feel that again, but at the same time I want to feel alive again, I want to feel the butterflies, I want an accomplice, someone to travel with and share experiences. It is hard to bring the walls down but not impossible.

Everyone out there searching for love or afraid of it, remember as far as we know we get one life, so take it, explore, but never think is your fault, don’t build walls around you and keep dreaming, learn to love yourself, and don’t be hard on yourself.

Also, love is not only about been with someone, is also love for yourself, family and friends, so keep dreaming and overcome fear.